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jonas-shifuStatus: Member Location: Stoke on Trent Country: United Kingdom Gender: Male Age: 23 Type of artist: Satire writer, SF writer and Whovian Registered: Sep 8, 2007 Last online: 2h ago |
 Aim: themasterkearns Yahoo: SneeringDragon Msn: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk |
Artworks: 39Scraps: 7 Favourites Given: 43 Favourites Received: 12 Stars Given: 13 Stars Received: 0 Comments Received: 375 Comments Given: 366 Postcount: 368 Pageviews: 226 |
Mixed up contact details :S
Written by jonas-shifu
At Jul 9, 2008, 8:30:26 PM
I accidentally put my YIM in my AIM section.
Anyway, to clarify....
MSN: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
Yah: SneeringDragon
AIM: themasterkearns
At Jul 9, 2008, 8:30:26 PM
Mood: guilty
I accidentally put my YIM in my AIM section.
Anyway, to clarify....
MSN: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
Yah: SneeringDragon
AIM: themasterkearns
E-mail: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
There are not enough comedy writers here on Storm
Written by jonas-shifu
At Jun 8, 2008, 11:11:31 PM
Which is why I relish the opportunity of looking at new talent in the humour section of literature here on Storm. Even rarer that what is written there is actually half-decent or better.
So please take this opportunity to look at [sake]'s userpage and gallery. There are also two funny works of humour in her gallery too. Here: [link] and here: [link] and they are both well worth reading.
I've even gone as far as to 'star' one of them. I don't think comedy writing in it's original form gets enough exposure here, so why not start there.
That is why as the self-appointed unofficial spokesperson for comedy here on Storm I'm going to do everything I can to promote those that write original comedy. Starting with [sake]
If you know of more writers of original comedy, do not hesitate to contact me with links either here or at my e-mail below.
At Jun 8, 2008, 11:11:31 PM
Which is why I relish the opportunity of looking at new talent in the humour section of literature here on Storm. Even rarer that what is written there is actually half-decent or better.
So please take this opportunity to look at [sake]'s userpage and gallery. There are also two funny works of humour in her gallery too. Here: [link] and here: [link] and they are both well worth reading.
I've even gone as far as to 'star' one of them. I don't think comedy writing in it's original form gets enough exposure here, so why not start there.
That is why as the self-appointed unofficial spokesperson for comedy here on Storm I'm going to do everything I can to promote those that write original comedy. Starting with [sake]
If you know of more writers of original comedy, do not hesitate to contact me with links either here or at my e-mail below.
E-mail: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
Why Doctor Who has pissed me off this week.
Written by jonas-shifu
At Jun 6, 2008, 10:46:07 PM
[link] last Saturday's and this Saturday's peril.
Any and all originality of the "shadows" from Deep Black have been ruined.
Still, it's a very good show and I urge you to watch it.
At Jun 6, 2008, 10:46:07 PM
[link] last Saturday's and this Saturday's peril.
Any and all originality of the "shadows" from Deep Black have been ruined.
Still, it's a very good show and I urge you to watch it.
E-mail: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
Stolen from Epochwolf
Written by jonas-shifu
At Jun 6, 2008, 9:10:03 PM
I can see this going somewhat awry...
1. ROCK STAR NAME (first pet & current car):
Danny Peugeot.
Danny was my budgie.
2. GANGSTA NAME (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):
Fudge Digestive
?
3. "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name):
S-Kea
4. DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color, favorite animal):
Red Bird
Ooookay...
5. SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you were born):
Jonas Leek
I don't have a middle name, so I used my favourite character's instead.
6. STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first):
Kea-st
Sounds alien I suppose...
7. SUPERHERO NAME ("The" + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink):
The Blue Jack Daniels and Coke
Knew it would go tits-up somewhere along the line.
8. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers):
Keith Darrell
...plausable...
9. STRIPPER NAME ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy):
Lynx Marathon
Marathon is the original name for a Snickers bar. It sounded better and more...porny.
10. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (mother's & father's middle names):
Karl Ann
lol
11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (Your 5th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
Abbot Adelaide
12. SPY NAME (your favorite season/holiday, flowers):
Spring Roses
lol
13. CARTOON NAME (favorite fruit, article of clothing you're wearing right now + "ie" or "y"):
Seedless Grape Socks
...riiiiiight....
14. HIPPY NAME (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree):
Beans on toast Oak
........
15. ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME ("The" + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + "Tour"):
The writing rain tour
Sounds like hippie
...
Okay, that was a waste of my and your time.
At Jun 6, 2008, 9:10:03 PM
I can see this going somewhat awry...
1. ROCK STAR NAME (first pet & current car):
Danny Peugeot.
Danny was my budgie.
2. GANGSTA NAME (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie):
Fudge Digestive
?
3. "FLY Guy/Girl" NAME (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name):
S-Kea
4. DETECTIVE NAME (favorite color, favorite animal):
Red Bird
Ooookay...
5. SOAP OPERA NAME (middle name, city where you were born):
Jonas Leek
I don't have a middle name, so I used my favourite character's instead.
6. STAR WARS NAME (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first):
Kea-st
Sounds alien I suppose...
7. SUPERHERO NAME ("The" + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink):
The Blue Jack Daniels and Coke
Knew it would go tits-up somewhere along the line.
8. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers):
Keith Darrell
...plausable...
9. STRIPPER NAME ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy):
Lynx Marathon
Marathon is the original name for a Snickers bar. It sounded better and more...porny.
10. WITNESS PROTECTION NAME (mother's & father's middle names):
Karl Ann
lol
11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME (Your 5th grade teacher's last name, a major city that starts with the same letter):
Abbot Adelaide
12. SPY NAME (your favorite season/holiday, flowers):
Spring Roses
lol
13. CARTOON NAME (favorite fruit, article of clothing you're wearing right now + "ie" or "y"):
Seedless Grape Socks
...riiiiiight....
14. HIPPY NAME (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree):
Beans on toast Oak
........
15. ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME ("The" + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + "Tour"):
The writing rain tour
Sounds like hippie
...
Okay, that was a waste of my and your time.
E-mail: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
I am still alive!
Written by jonas-shifu
At May 21, 2008, 11:38:23 AM
For those...two that were not even wondering.
As you can tell from that black/red thumbnail cropping up in your artwatch, I'm still here and still writing. I'm just not talking much.
I will be disappearing for about ten weeks from the 28th of September this year down to Cornwall or my basic training with the Royal Navy. Yeah, it's a shy way from writing but the career is much better.
So that's it really, keep reading and keep smiling.
At May 21, 2008, 11:38:23 AM
For those...two that were not even wondering.
As you can tell from that black/red thumbnail cropping up in your artwatch, I'm still here and still writing. I'm just not talking much.
I will be disappearing for about ten weeks from the 28th of September this year down to Cornwall or my basic training with the Royal Navy. Yeah, it's a shy way from writing but the career is much better.
So that's it really, keep reading and keep smiling.
E-mail: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
Passed driving test/TF stories update/holiday/birthday
Written by jonas-shifu
At Mar 31, 2008, 9:08:35 PM
That's right, start walking in the middle of the road because the pavements are no longer safe.
Sorry for those that care, about not mentioning that I was taking it, didn't want to jinx myself too greatly.
My collection of dragons has grown again because I've bought another McFarlane as a sort of treat for becoming a proper driver. I blame Zha for it, it's her fault.
The werewolf TF story seems to be getting longer and longer and longer... I may have to move onto starting my other project so I can get it in before my scheduled deadline, and thanks to a week's holiday abroad in a couple of weeks (14th-21st) I only have a short amount of time to get it finished, so a swap of project priority may be on the cards.
In about 12 more days...*counts*...yep, on the 12th of April I'll be 23. So now you know when to send me hugs. And please don't rub my age in. The will to live was drained out of me the day after my 21st. lol
That's pretty much it for today.
Ciao.
Steve.
At Mar 31, 2008, 9:08:35 PM
That's right, start walking in the middle of the road because the pavements are no longer safe.
Sorry for those that care, about not mentioning that I was taking it, didn't want to jinx myself too greatly.
My collection of dragons has grown again because I've bought another McFarlane as a sort of treat for becoming a proper driver. I blame Zha for it, it's her fault.
The werewolf TF story seems to be getting longer and longer and longer... I may have to move onto starting my other project so I can get it in before my scheduled deadline, and thanks to a week's holiday abroad in a couple of weeks (14th-21st) I only have a short amount of time to get it finished, so a swap of project priority may be on the cards.
In about 12 more days...*counts*...yep, on the 12th of April I'll be 23. So now you know when to send me hugs. And please don't rub my age in. The will to live was drained out of me the day after my 21st. lol
That's pretty much it for today.
Ciao.
Steve.
E-mail: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
And my weekend went like...?
Written by jonas-shifu
At Mar 30, 2008, 4:45:54 PM
So, after spending a weekend in Derby I decided to make a youtube video dedicated entirely to all the things I like about Derby City.
[link]
Enjoy.
Steve.
At Mar 30, 2008, 4:45:54 PM
So, after spending a weekend in Derby I decided to make a youtube video dedicated entirely to all the things I like about Derby City.
[link]
Enjoy.
Steve.
E-mail: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
I enjoyed that.
Written by jonas-shifu
At Mar 25, 2008, 12:54:28 PM
Non jizz this week. Mainly because I've been on holiday over easter and couldn't be bothered. No Jizz next week either, I'll be at a friend's most of the weekend and a practical driving test on Monday and would much rather concentrate on that.
There's also no Jizz on the following dates either; 14th April and 21st April. I'll be on holiday during those weeks.
There'll be a couple of stories I'll be writing over the next two months so don't expect much in the way of funnyness from yours truly.
I go work now.
Ciao.
Steve
At Mar 25, 2008, 12:54:28 PM
Non jizz this week. Mainly because I've been on holiday over easter and couldn't be bothered. No Jizz next week either, I'll be at a friend's most of the weekend and a practical driving test on Monday and would much rather concentrate on that.
There's also no Jizz on the following dates either; 14th April and 21st April. I'll be on holiday during those weeks.
There'll be a couple of stories I'll be writing over the next two months so don't expect much in the way of funnyness from yours truly.
I go work now.
Ciao.
Steve
E-mail: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
Check out mah youtubez!
Written by jonas-shifu
At Mar 17, 2008, 11:45:00 PM
[link]
that is all for today.
:)
At Mar 17, 2008, 11:45:00 PM
[link]
that is all for today.
:)
E-mail: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
The Weekly Jizz - Fourth Edition - 10/3 - 16/3 - 16/Mar/08
Written by jonas-shifu
At Mar 16, 2008, 5:36:08 PM
FA Cup is finally worth watching
The previous weekend proved to be the most dramatic in one of the world’s biggest sports competition. The only team from the FA Premier League has made it through to the semi-final and not a single team from the top four has made it through for the first time in 21 years.
Yes, that’s right. Being a bunch of overpaid rapists on more than £100,000 a week doesn’t guarantee that you’ll win.
--------------------------------------------------
Brits are born funny
According to some smug git in a white coat, the unique British sense of humour is in our DNA. Unlike the Germans and even Americans, we have a natural talent for sarcasm and self-deprecation.
It’s a self-defence mechanism bred into us by bad weather, poor food and a them-and-us system of government in which lions are lead by donkeys.
Poor food? How dare you knock our “fish ‘n’ chips”.
--------------------------------------------------
Royal Mail snub Gulf war heroes
Bosses at Royal Mail are refusing to put on sale stamps that honour the British soldiers killed in Iraq.
Official war artist, Steve McQueen (yes, that really is his name), said: “Putting the stamps into circulation is a fitting way to honour the troops who died.”
Royal Mail said something to, but it sounded something like “stick it.”
--------------------------------------------------
Chief constable leaps off cliff
One of the UK’s top police chiefs was this past week believed to have killed himself after his body was found at the foot of a cliff face in Snowdonia, Wales.
Looks like pigs can’t fly after all.
--------------------------------------------------
Mr Clean gets dirty
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, 48, has been told: “Quit or be forced out.” New York assembly Republican leader James Tedisco said: “We give him 48 hours to do the right thing and resign.” He was discovered after spending two hours with £2000-an-hour hooker ‘Kristen’. It has also been revealed that he has been using prostitutes for six years.
Not such a boring old sod after all.
--------------------------------------------------
Drinkers hit by budget
Spirits up by 55pence per bottle.
Wine up by 14 pence per bottle.
Beer up 4pence per pint.
Cider up by 3pence per litre.
Cigarettes up 11pence per packet.
What are the kids of Britain going to do?
--------------------------------------------------
Hash job pizza
A Nottingham man was sentenced to four years prison after it was revealed that he produced cannabis and put it into pizza for his pals.
Probably not an offer you’ll get at any Pizza Hut.
--------------------------------------------------
Final Potter film is cursed
Makers of The Deathly Hallows believe the film to be cursed after filming was halted due to the stormy weather across the UK this past month.
That’s because it’s March and shit weather has been happening at that specific time in the UK since the dawn of time. It’s a little like going to Florida in September and telling someone that you think it’s a bit breezy.
--------------------------------------------------
Edited by Steve Kearns
At Mar 16, 2008, 5:36:08 PM
Editors note: Nothing new to report this week as the Jizz continues onward. Pleased to announce that a sister-article has been adopted by [dj-fragon] call the Fizzbitch. It's smaller but worth reading.
There's also a change to my E-mail address for those wishing to tell me what's going on in their part of the world.
Enjoy your read.
S. Kearns
There's also a change to my E-mail address for those wishing to tell me what's going on in their part of the world.
Enjoy your read.
S. Kearns
FA Cup is finally worth watching
The previous weekend proved to be the most dramatic in one of the world’s biggest sports competition. The only team from the FA Premier League has made it through to the semi-final and not a single team from the top four has made it through for the first time in 21 years.
Yes, that’s right. Being a bunch of overpaid rapists on more than £100,000 a week doesn’t guarantee that you’ll win.
--------------------------------------------------
Brits are born funny
According to some smug git in a white coat, the unique British sense of humour is in our DNA. Unlike the Germans and even Americans, we have a natural talent for sarcasm and self-deprecation.
It’s a self-defence mechanism bred into us by bad weather, poor food and a them-and-us system of government in which lions are lead by donkeys.
Poor food? How dare you knock our “fish ‘n’ chips”.
--------------------------------------------------
Royal Mail snub Gulf war heroes
Bosses at Royal Mail are refusing to put on sale stamps that honour the British soldiers killed in Iraq.
Official war artist, Steve McQueen (yes, that really is his name), said: “Putting the stamps into circulation is a fitting way to honour the troops who died.”
Royal Mail said something to, but it sounded something like “stick it.”
--------------------------------------------------
Chief constable leaps off cliff
One of the UK’s top police chiefs was this past week believed to have killed himself after his body was found at the foot of a cliff face in Snowdonia, Wales.
Looks like pigs can’t fly after all.
--------------------------------------------------
Mr Clean gets dirty
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, 48, has been told: “Quit or be forced out.” New York assembly Republican leader James Tedisco said: “We give him 48 hours to do the right thing and resign.” He was discovered after spending two hours with £2000-an-hour hooker ‘Kristen’. It has also been revealed that he has been using prostitutes for six years.
Not such a boring old sod after all.
--------------------------------------------------
Drinkers hit by budget
Spirits up by 55pence per bottle.
Wine up by 14 pence per bottle.
Beer up 4pence per pint.
Cider up by 3pence per litre.
Cigarettes up 11pence per packet.
What are the kids of Britain going to do?
--------------------------------------------------
Hash job pizza
A Nottingham man was sentenced to four years prison after it was revealed that he produced cannabis and put it into pizza for his pals.
Probably not an offer you’ll get at any Pizza Hut.
--------------------------------------------------
Final Potter film is cursed
Makers of The Deathly Hallows believe the film to be cursed after filming was halted due to the stormy weather across the UK this past month.
That’s because it’s March and shit weather has been happening at that specific time in the UK since the dawn of time. It’s a little like going to Florida in September and telling someone that you think it’s a bit breezy.
--------------------------------------------------
Edited by Steve Kearns
E-mail: stevekearns@hotmail.co.uk
The Weekly Jizz - Third Edition - 3/3 - 9/3 - 3/Mar/08
Written by jonas-shifu
At Mar 9, 2008, 8:07:26 PM
Oil spill on road
On Tuesday, a section of the M5 near to Bristol was closed off after a lorry spilled its load of Olive Oil.
Adds a whole new meaning to the term ‘slip road’.
--------------------------------------------------
Calorie cell
A mobile phone for women that boasts of one of it's features being a calorie counter will be on sale this year for approximately £180.
It's called a calculator.
--------------------------------------------------
Madonna left Dazed & Confused
Madonna, 49, claims she can run rings around dancers half her age. This revelation coming from Dazed & Confused magazine.
Unfortunately for the ageing pop queen, this was Dazed & Confused, the senile dementia magazine.
--------------------------------------------------
Brits had por litrecy skillz
According to a poll, 12million UK adults struggle with reading and that 49% of adults never pick up a book. It also reveals that 1/3 of children are never read a bedtime story. Which is a strange thing as they must know what a book is because they are usually beating pensioners outside of the country's newsagents and post offices for their pension book.
--------------------------------------------------
Udderly rediculous
Rises in the cost of milk have pushed the price of butter and cheese to their highest level in three years. There must be some rich cows out there after that.
--------------------------------------------------
Keep pussy out of your bed
In order to keep cats from digging up your gardens, News of the World's gerdening expert Matt James reccomends all sorts of remedies to keep cats out of your garden. Spraying heat spray onto tea bags and burying them, garlic, citric acid and even spraying them with water to "surprise" them into staying away from your garden.
The Jizz recommends that to really surprise a cat, use the following methods; bear-traps and land-mines.
At Mar 9, 2008, 8:07:26 PM
Foreword from the editor:
With all of the major headlines being full of doom-and-gloom surrounding the heart-wrenching murders in Israel and the continued unearthing of possible bodies in Jersey, this weeks edition looks to be more of a turkey with myself being forced to scour the smaller stories and even the self-help section in the hope of finding satire. And with personal matters taking up all of my time, I've had to do almost everything "last-minute".
Enjoy this week's edition, for what it's worth.
Steve Kearns
With all of the major headlines being full of doom-and-gloom surrounding the heart-wrenching murders in Israel and the continued unearthing of possible bodies in Jersey, this weeks edition looks to be more of a turkey with myself being forced to scour the smaller stories and even the self-help section in the hope of finding satire. And with personal matters taking up all of my time, I've had to do almost everything "last-minute".
Enjoy this week's edition, for what it's worth.
Steve Kearns
Oil spill on road
On Tuesday, a section of the M5 near to Bristol was closed off after a lorry spilled its load of Olive Oil.
Adds a whole new meaning to the term ‘slip road’.
--------------------------------------------------
Calorie cell
A mobile phone for women that boasts of one of it's features being a calorie counter will be on sale this year for approximately £180.
It's called a calculator.
--------------------------------------------------
Madonna left Dazed & Confused
Madonna, 49, claims she can run rings around dancers half her age. This revelation coming from Dazed & Confused magazine.
Unfortunately for the ageing pop queen, this was Dazed & Confused, the senile dementia magazine.
--------------------------------------------------
Brits had por litrecy skillz
According to a poll, 12million UK adults struggle with reading and that 49% of adults never pick up a book. It also reveals that 1/3 of children are never read a bedtime story. Which is a strange thing as they must know what a book is because they are usually beating pensioners outside of the country's newsagents and post offices for their pension book.
--------------------------------------------------
Udderly rediculous
Rises in the cost of milk have pushed the price of butter and cheese to their highest level in three years. There must be some rich cows out there after that.
--------------------------------------------------
Keep pussy out of your bed
In order to keep cats from digging up your gardens, News of the World's gerdening expert Matt James reccomends all sorts of remedies to keep cats out of your garden. Spraying heat spray onto tea bags and burying them, garlic, citric acid and even spraying them with water to "surprise" them into staying away from your garden.
The Jizz recommends that to really surprise a cat, use the following methods; bear-traps and land-mines.
E-mail: jonas-shifu@hotmail.com
The Weekly Jizz - Second Edition - 25/2 - 02/3 - 2/Mar/08
Written by jonas-shifu
At Mar 2, 2008, 8:13:11 PM
99% want death penalty reintroduced
An amazing 99% of 100,000 readers of a popular British tabloid newspaper voted yes to bringing back the death penalty.
The penalty of death by hanging was voted yes in the opinion poll as a punishment for mass-murderers, sex-killers and murderous pedophiles.
I'm sure we all agree that at least two of the above should be hung to death. Prefferably by the bollocks.
--------------------------------------------------
Lawnmower kills monk
A lawnmower with faulty brakes was responsible for the death of a Buddhist monk in
Milton Keynes.
Piece be with you brother.
--------------------------------------------------
Councillor howler
A councillor in West Dorset was called on to resign after calling disabled people "howlers and growlers".
--------------------------------------------------
McDonalds could ban Happy Meal
Councillors in Liverpool are planning on deciding whether sales of Happy Meals in Liverpool's McDonalds branches
should be prohibited.
A cheeseburger and milkshake Happy Meal contain at least 740 calories.
I doubt McD's will be too concerned about sales, rarely has anyone further north than Manchester even seen anything resembling a salad, let alone anything healthy.
--------------------------------------------------
Car killing wife in the clear
A woman of 50 who moved to Bulgaria from Scunthorpe has been cleared of murdering her husband by running over him.
The judge probably ruled that she couldn't have done it because, as we all know, women can't drive.
--------------------------------------------------
Youtube blames Pakistan for blackout
A blackout of the youtube website was blamed on the officials in Islamabad that ordered 70 internet providers in the country to block access as some content was deemed to be offensive to Islam.
So instead, they'll be showing a video of a woman being stoned to death.
--------------------------------------------------
The Italian cleaning job
Crazed Francesco Mellea, 79, shot his cleaning lady for doing a poor job.
Francesco said, "She was a terrible, she lefta blood all over de place!"
--------------------------------------------------
Cricket team hires dog for tactics
Gloucestershire have rehired their team strategist Jack Russell.
--------------------------------------------------
Fury as wealthy peer attacks working class heroes
A WEALTHY Tory peer has sparked fury by branding NHS nurses as “drunken, promiscuous, grubby and lazy.”
Nothing wrong with his eyesight then.
--------------------------------------------------
Pete Doherty voted ‘hero of the year’?
Yes, that’s right, a dirty smack head has been voted as the hero of the year by blind stupid and idiotic NME readers.
NME readers are not just this blind, no! In 2006, he was also voted as ‘Sexiest Man’ and in 2004 he was voted as the ‘Cool Icon’, also by NME readers!
Just who is on drugs here? Pete or NME readers?
--------------------------------------------------
Cowell gets it up over Viagra
Mr Nasty, Simon Cowell claimed that he was once offered one million pounds to be the ‘face of Viagra’, but rejected the offer.
Good decision Simon. Your mug on the box might negate its effects to a degree.
--------------------------------------------------
All articles are sourced from The Sun newspaper and their website www.thesun.co.uk That's if you want to read the not-as-funny serious version.
At Mar 2, 2008, 8:13:11 PM
Death, Islam, and drug-addicted celebrities. A week in the media from a cynical furry.
99% want death penalty reintroduced
An amazing 99% of 100,000 readers of a popular British tabloid newspaper voted yes to bringing back the death penalty.
The penalty of death by hanging was voted yes in the opinion poll as a punishment for mass-murderers, sex-killers and murderous pedophiles.
I'm sure we all agree that at least two of the above should be hung to death. Prefferably by the bollocks.
--------------------------------------------------
Lawnmower kills monk
A lawnmower with faulty brakes was responsible for the death of a Buddhist monk in
Milton Keynes.
Piece be with you brother.
--------------------------------------------------
Councillor howler
A councillor in West Dorset was called on to resign after calling disabled people "howlers and growlers".
--------------------------------------------------
McDonalds could ban Happy Meal
Councillors in Liverpool are planning on deciding whether sales of Happy Meals in Liverpool's McDonalds branches
should be prohibited.
A cheeseburger and milkshake Happy Meal contain at least 740 calories.
I doubt McD's will be too concerned about sales, rarely has anyone further north than Manchester even seen anything resembling a salad, let alone anything healthy.
--------------------------------------------------
Car killing wife in the clear
A woman of 50 who moved to Bulgaria from Scunthorpe has been cleared of murdering her husband by running over him.
The judge probably ruled that she couldn't have done it because, as we all know, women can't drive.
--------------------------------------------------
Youtube blames Pakistan for blackout
A blackout of the youtube website was blamed on the officials in Islamabad that ordered 70 internet providers in the country to block access as some content was deemed to be offensive to Islam.
So instead, they'll be showing a video of a woman being stoned to death.
--------------------------------------------------
The Italian cleaning job
Crazed Francesco Mellea, 79, shot his cleaning lady for doing a poor job.
Francesco said, "She was a terrible, she lefta blood all over de place!"
--------------------------------------------------
Cricket team hires dog for tactics
Gloucestershire have rehired their team strategist Jack Russell.
--------------------------------------------------
Fury as wealthy peer attacks working class heroes
A WEALTHY Tory peer has sparked fury by branding NHS nurses as “drunken, promiscuous, grubby and lazy.”
Nothing wrong with his eyesight then.
--------------------------------------------------
Pete Doherty voted ‘hero of the year’?
Yes, that’s right, a dirty smack head has been voted as the hero of the year by blind stupid and idiotic NME readers.
NME readers are not just this blind, no! In 2006, he was also voted as ‘Sexiest Man’ and in 2004 he was voted as the ‘Cool Icon’, also by NME readers!
Just who is on drugs here? Pete or NME readers?
--------------------------------------------------
Cowell gets it up over Viagra
Mr Nasty, Simon Cowell claimed that he was once offered one million pounds to be the ‘face of Viagra’, but rejected the offer.
Good decision Simon. Your mug on the box might negate its effects to a degree.
--------------------------------------------------
All articles are sourced from The Sun newspaper and their website www.thesun.co.uk That's if you want to read the not-as-funny serious version.
Interested in helping to make this longer? E-mail your local stories to: jonas-shifu@hotmail.com
The Weekly Jizz - First Edition - 18-24 February - 25/Feb/08
Written by jonas-shifu
At Feb 25, 2008, 1:49:11 AM
Homosexual car salesman claims discrimination
A GAY salesman wore a pink shirt and tie to work at a BMW dealership — and was sent home, a tribunal heard.
Ben Hamilton, 26, from Eastliegh in Hampshire, claimed he was forced out of his job by colleagues branding him a “poof” and saying: “Hello sweetie.”
They also allegedly mocked his beard up to 30 times a day by chanting: “All right, Noel — Deal or No Deal?” He told the hearing: “Gay men were regarded as fair game for abuse.”
It’s completely unfair; being compared to Noel Edmonds. It’s enough to make you want to shave!
--------------------------------------------------
Sarah’s Law to come into effect
VICTIMS of paedophiles were this week celebrating a new scheme in the UK, much like the USA’s ‘Megan’s Law’, to help people identify child sex offenders in their area.
In case the fact that they’re the ones standing near a playground, wearing a raincoat and a sweaty complexion weren’t suspicious enough, look for a bag of sweets.
--------------------------------------------------
Former SAS soldier's record bid
Scientists have revealed their interest in ex-SAS soldier, Steve Truglia’s hopes to skydive from 120,000 feet. They say they want to check the findings on the effect of his body from falling for such a height.
I’m no expert, but I imagine hitting the ground might be one of those effects.
--------------------------------------------------
Fidel Castro proves a hard target
It has been revealed this week by Cuban Intelligence that Fidel Castro has survived 637 attempts on his life by the Americans over the past 50 years.
Lucky there wasn’t a British soldier nearby. That would make 637 more friendly fire incidents to add to the running tally.
--------------------------------------------------
Confusion over Texas voting ensues
There was the running debate of who’s going to win Texas in the elections in America.
The Texan public have the dilemma of choosing between any one of two second class citizens. One Texas resident revealed just how difficult the decision was. “You mean I got to choose between a woman and a negro? Shit…”
--------------------------------------------------
17th teen found hanged in Bridgend
The body of 16 year old Jenna Parry was found hanged outside a village near Bridgend. She is the also the 17th suicide that has pages on popular social networking site Bebo.
A police spokesman said, “There’s a lot of concern hanging around about the youngsters of the area.”
Shouldn’t that read, “There’s a lot of youngsters hanging around the area”?
--------------------------------------------------
Woman wakes up from coma
Yvonne Sullivan, 28, was on her death bed last July when she came back to life after her husband, Dom, 37, started shouting at her.
Typical woman, anything to get the last word in an argument.
--------------------------------------------------
China bans Spongebob!
China has banned the broadcast of Spongbob Squarepants in its country. After seeing the midget-sized hyperactive yellow thing on screen, the government decided the documentary was too distressing.
--------------------------------------------------
Hunt begins for more bodies
PARTS of a child’s body have been found at a former children’s home in Jersey.
Looks like that long game of Hide and Seek has been decided.
--------------------------------------------------
At Feb 25, 2008, 1:49:11 AM
Mood: sarcastic
Foreword - Hello and welcome to the first ever edition of the weekly news journal 'The Weekly Jizz'. You may notice that the majority of the stories here in are British orientated. That's because I currently only have the UK media to work with.
I hope to bring a not-so-correct version of the news for your entertainment. So, please enjoy the following articles and take note of the contact details at the end in case you spot something I should read in the news.
Your friendly editor,
S.Kearns.
I hope to bring a not-so-correct version of the news for your entertainment. So, please enjoy the following articles and take note of the contact details at the end in case you spot something I should read in the news.
Your friendly editor,
S.Kearns.
Homosexual car salesman claims discrimination
A GAY salesman wore a pink shirt and tie to work at a BMW dealership — and was sent home, a tribunal heard.
Ben Hamilton, 26, from Eastliegh in Hampshire, claimed he was forced out of his job by colleagues branding him a “poof” and saying: “Hello sweetie.”
They also allegedly mocked his beard up to 30 times a day by chanting: “All right, Noel — Deal or No Deal?” He told the hearing: “Gay men were regarded as fair game for abuse.”
It’s completely unfair; being compared to Noel Edmonds. It’s enough to make you want to shave!
--------------------------------------------------
Sarah’s Law to come into effect
VICTIMS of paedophiles were this week celebrating a new scheme in the UK, much like the USA’s ‘Megan’s Law’, to help people identify child sex offenders in their area.
In case the fact that they’re the ones standing near a playground, wearing a raincoat and a sweaty complexion weren’t suspicious enough, look for a bag of sweets.
--------------------------------------------------
Former SAS soldier's record bid
Scientists have revealed their interest in ex-SAS soldier, Steve Truglia’s hopes to skydive from 120,000 feet. They say they want to check the findings on the effect of his body from falling for such a height.
I’m no expert, but I imagine hitting the ground might be one of those effects.
--------------------------------------------------
Fidel Castro proves a hard target
It has been revealed this week by Cuban Intelligence that Fidel Castro has survived 637 attempts on his life by the Americans over the past 50 years.
Lucky there wasn’t a British soldier nearby. That would make 637 more friendly fire incidents to add to the running tally.
--------------------------------------------------
Confusion over Texas voting ensues
There was the running debate of who’s going to win Texas in the elections in America.
The Texan public have the dilemma of choosing between any one of two second class citizens. One Texas resident revealed just how difficult the decision was. “You mean I got to choose between a woman and a negro? Shit…”
--------------------------------------------------
17th teen found hanged in Bridgend
The body of 16 year old Jenna Parry was found hanged outside a village near Bridgend. She is the also the 17th suicide that has pages on popular social networking site Bebo.
A police spokesman said, “There’s a lot of concern hanging around about the youngsters of the area.”
Shouldn’t that read, “There’s a lot of youngsters hanging around the area”?
--------------------------------------------------
Woman wakes up from coma
Yvonne Sullivan, 28, was on her death bed last July when she came back to life after her husband, Dom, 37, started shouting at her.
Typical woman, anything to get the last word in an argument.
--------------------------------------------------
China bans Spongebob!
China has banned the broadcast of Spongbob Squarepants in its country. After seeing the midget-sized hyperactive yellow thing on screen, the government decided the documentary was too distressing.
--------------------------------------------------
Hunt begins for more bodies
PARTS of a child’s body have been found at a former children’s home in Jersey.
Looks like that long game of Hide and Seek has been decided.
--------------------------------------------------
Written and edited by Steven Kearns
E-mail your local stories to: jonas-shifu@hotmail.com
E-mail your local stories to: jonas-shifu@hotmail.com
The Weekly Jizz - preview
Written by jonas-shifu
At Feb 19, 2008, 10:47:22 PM
Preview for planned posting of 25/2/08
Sarah's Law to come into effect
Victims of paedophiles were this week celebrating a new scheme in the UK, much like the USA’s ‘Megan’s Law’, to help people identify child sex offenders in their area.
In case the fact that they’re the ones standing near a playground, wearing a raincoat and a sweaty complexion weren’t suspicious enough, look for a bag of sweets.
Former SAS soldier's record bid
Scientists have revealed their interest in ex-SAS soldier, Steve Truglia’s hopes to sky-dive from a whopping 120,000 feet. They say they want to check the findings on the effect of his body from falling for such a height.
I no expert, but I imagine hitting the ground might be one of those effects.
At Feb 19, 2008, 10:47:22 PM
Preview for planned posting of 25/2/08
Sarah's Law to come into effect
Victims of paedophiles were this week celebrating a new scheme in the UK, much like the USA’s ‘Megan’s Law’, to help people identify child sex offenders in their area.
In case the fact that they’re the ones standing near a playground, wearing a raincoat and a sweaty complexion weren’t suspicious enough, look for a bag of sweets.
Former SAS soldier's record bid
Scientists have revealed their interest in ex-SAS soldier, Steve Truglia’s hopes to sky-dive from a whopping 120,000 feet. They say they want to check the findings on the effect of his body from falling for such a height.
I no expert, but I imagine hitting the ground might be one of those effects.
More to come, Monday.
Weekly topical journal post.
Written by jonas-shifu
At Feb 19, 2008, 10:40:08 PM
Following my poll where the first and only vote was a 'no', I've decided to hell with opinion and go ahead with it.
So regardless of someone's fear of the competition, or apparent lack of enthusiasm for satire, expect 'The Weekly Jizz' to be spunking its way into your journal in-box soon.
In fact, I'll submit a small taster ahead of Monday, straight after this journal.
At Feb 19, 2008, 10:40:08 PM
Following my poll where the first and only vote was a 'no', I've decided to hell with opinion and go ahead with it.
So regardless of someone's fear of the competition, or apparent lack of enthusiasm for satire, expect 'The Weekly Jizz' to be spunking its way into your journal in-box soon.
In fact, I'll submit a small taster ahead of Monday, straight after this journal.
Is it just me or does the SAn mascot...
Written by jonas-shifu
At Feb 2, 2008, 1:26:21 PM
...look like a retarded version of the 'Stupid Dogbot' from the Ford Fiesta adverts?
Also changed the layout of my user-page.
At Feb 2, 2008, 1:26:21 PM
...look like a retarded version of the 'Stupid Dogbot' from the Ford Fiesta adverts?
Also changed the layout of my user-page.
Reasons SAn is better than deviantARSE
Written by jonas-shifu
At Jan 27, 2008, 1:23:29 AM
It's 100% free to use.
You get the same features for free on SAn that you have to pay for on dA, like:
- Thumbnails in your watchlist
- comments already displayed to you in your messages without having to click a link to another advertisement laden page.
- not a scent of said adverts.
You also get friendly staff that are sociable and friendly.
NO DRAMA!
A lack of pent-up emotional teens that seem to think that taking the piss out of animal rights protestors is an evil thing to do.
No Drama!
Each gallery is easier to access and each with their own section that isn't just a clump of thumbnails.
AND NO F****** DRAMA!
XD
At Jan 27, 2008, 1:23:29 AM
Mood: disgusted
It's 100% free to use.
You get the same features for free on SAn that you have to pay for on dA, like:
- Thumbnails in your watchlist
- comments already displayed to you in your messages without having to click a link to another advertisement laden page.
- not a scent of said adverts.
You also get friendly staff that are sociable and friendly.
NO DRAMA!
A lack of pent-up emotional teens that seem to think that taking the piss out of animal rights protestors is an evil thing to do.
No Drama!
Each gallery is easier to access and each with their own section that isn't just a clump of thumbnails.
AND NO F****** DRAMA!
XD
Looks like I'm here for the long term.
Written by jonas-shifu
At Jan 21, 2008, 7:30:46 PM
It was bound to happen.
Both of my accounts have been banned for being alternate accounts.
Did I give Realitysquared's ancestors a dose in a past life or something?
Deep Black has been cancelled. It's now comedy from here on in!
At Jan 21, 2008, 7:30:46 PM
It was bound to happen.
Both of my accounts have been banned for being alternate accounts.
Did I give Realitysquared's ancestors a dose in a past life or something?
Deep Black has been cancelled. It's now comedy from here on in!
Back in the game
Written by jonas-shifu
At Jan 13, 2008, 8:00:34 PM
Still not writing like I used to, but that doesn't mean I've stopped. Certain life issues are taking hold and they could get worse if they go right.
So it's not a bad thing, I'm just making certain temporary sacrifices in order to try and advance my career for the better.
I'm still writing comedy though. That will never stop despite the gaps between each piece.
On another note, I've started to raid the Scripts gallery with some of my sketches.
At Jan 13, 2008, 8:00:34 PM
Still not writing like I used to, but that doesn't mean I've stopped. Certain life issues are taking hold and they could get worse if they go right.
So it's not a bad thing, I'm just making certain temporary sacrifices in order to try and advance my career for the better.
I'm still writing comedy though. That will never stop despite the gaps between each piece.
On another note, I've started to raid the Scripts gallery with some of my sketches.
Important for those that frequent deviantART
Written by jonas-shifu
At Nov 13, 2007, 12:36:18 AM
I'm holding kiris at both my 'Draig-Cymraeg' and 'skearns' accounts. 1000 and 3000 respectively.
Visit [link]
and [link] for more details.
At Nov 13, 2007, 12:36:18 AM
I'm holding kiris at both my 'Draig-Cymraeg' and 'skearns' accounts. 1000 and 3000 respectively.
Visit [link]
and [link] for more details.
The "Scenes we'd like to see" request, number two!!!!!
Written by jonas-shifu
At Nov 4, 2007, 5:16:02 PM
I don't do this very often, but I'm throwing open an open request to everyone I can.
The idea is to suggest a scenario you'd like to see happening and then I'll try to come up with a couple of my own suggestions.
Please visit this [link] for more information.
I'll be posting the "artwork" here as well as on Storm.
Enjoy,
Steve.
At Nov 4, 2007, 5:16:02 PM
I don't do this very often, but I'm throwing open an open request to everyone I can.
The idea is to suggest a scenario you'd like to see happening and then I'll try to come up with a couple of my own suggestions.
Please visit this [link] for more information.
I'll be posting the "artwork" here as well as on Storm.
Enjoy,
Steve.
Finally! News articles on Storm! Also, Deep Black progress update.
Written by jonas-shifu
At Nov 1, 2007, 12:02:54 AM
This storm trooper is happy indeed.
I'm kidding of course, even though it is nice to see a bit more effort in making it look like a tight...well, tighter ship that's being run.
Anyway, onto the real purpose of my journal.
Hit a delay already in progressing through penning part four of Deep Black. It's not writer's block for once, it's shift work. I'm on early starts all week and am sleeping in my free time, so that leaves little time to sit down and slap a few hundred words together. I think I can spare a few hours this weekend and get to at least starting part six. The good thing about that is I'm not going out so there's no immediate excuse.
I'll be taking requests soon for joke material, so keep your eyes peeled for future journal updates on that.
At Nov 1, 2007, 12:02:54 AM
This storm trooper is happy indeed.
I'm kidding of course, even though it is nice to see a bit more effort in making it look like a tight...well, tighter ship that's being run. Anyway, onto the real purpose of my journal.
Hit a delay already in progressing through penning part four of Deep Black. It's not writer's block for once, it's shift work. I'm on early starts all week and am sleeping in my free time, so that leaves little time to sit down and slap a few hundred words together. I think I can spare a few hours this weekend and get to at least starting part six. The good thing about that is I'm not going out so there's no immediate excuse.
I'll be taking requests soon for joke material, so keep your eyes peeled for future journal updates on that.
People say the dumbest things
Written by jonas-shifu
At Oct 23, 2007, 1:34:53 AM
Here's a collection of the really daft things people have said to me over the past few days.
"I can see what you're saying..."
Oh right, I'm available with subtitles am I?
"I'll tell you this for free."
Because I normally pay to listen to your crap?
"It's as easy as 'ABC'."
Yeah! Assuming I'm not dyslexic.
"I'll tell you now.."
No! Save it for later.
"What's that got to do with the price of cheese?"
What's David Beckham got to do with cheese?
"I can see where you're going."
What are you, my co-driver?
"Now what would Jesus do?"
Get nailed with any luck.
At Oct 23, 2007, 1:34:53 AM
Mood: sarcastic
Here's a collection of the really daft things people have said to me over the past few days.
"I can see what you're saying..."
Oh right, I'm available with subtitles am I?
"I'll tell you this for free."
Because I normally pay to listen to your crap?
"It's as easy as 'ABC'."
Yeah! Assuming I'm not dyslexic.
"I'll tell you now.."
No! Save it for later.
"What's that got to do with the price of cheese?"
What's David Beckham got to do with cheese?
"I can see where you're going."
What are you, my co-driver?
"Now what would Jesus do?"
Get nailed with any luck.
Storm's starting to grow on me and here's why.
Written by jonas-shifu
At Oct 22, 2007, 12:50:17 AM
Anyone want me to look at your arts and lits?
Send me a link.
Man, it's nice and quiet here. Everyone speaks to each other and, unlike deviantARSE, it's definitely not about the pageviews or popularity and I think that's great.
The staff are polite and manageable, again unlike deviantARSE. Fills me with a real sense of community spirit for a change. I'm made to feel welcome and any mistakes I make don't get me wrist-slapped or cock-shafted by the administrators.
Just recently one of my deviations... sorry, artworks was moved into another category and I was PM'ed about it by the staff member that did it. Their PM was to the point and very polite about the whole thing.
Had this been deviantARSE, it would have been rudely removed by a 'bot' (a technical term for coward account) and then I would have had a warning for not being able to find my way around a complicated and, quite frankly, intimidating site.
So here's to the staff here on Storm.
Keep up the good work.
Steve.
At Oct 22, 2007, 12:50:17 AM
Mood: amazed
Anyone want me to look at your arts and lits?
Send me a link.
Man, it's nice and quiet here. Everyone speaks to each other and, unlike deviantARSE, it's definitely not about the pageviews or popularity and I think that's great.
The staff are polite and manageable, again unlike deviantARSE. Fills me with a real sense of community spirit for a change. I'm made to feel welcome and any mistakes I make don't get me wrist-slapped or cock-shafted by the administrators.
Just recently one of my deviations... sorry, artworks was moved into another category and I was PM'ed about it by the staff member that did it. Their PM was to the point and very polite about the whole thing.
Had this been deviantARSE, it would have been rudely removed by a 'bot' (a technical term for coward account) and then I would have had a warning for not being able to find my way around a complicated and, quite frankly, intimidating site.
So here's to the staff here on Storm.
Keep up the good work.
Steve.
Putting more time in here than dA soon.
Written by jonas-shifu
At Sep 30, 2007, 10:46:01 PM
Okay, I got banned from dA...
My own fault really. Someone finally managed to get to me after months of trying. I finally snapped and got my nose cut off to spite my face. Their help-desk team won't respond to any of my queries anymore, so f*** 'em. Their loss, in my opinion. I'll invest time and money elsewhere instead...here looks nicer.
Stand-up
I'm still rehearsing after my only performance so far. Practice makes perfect. I'm still writing under my actual name on deviantART (which I won't name and will continue to talk about like a third party, due to not wanting to get banned and start another ban-evasion account), but original material is a little hard to come by, so I'm also rewriting old filler-jokes with my own spin on them. Hopefully, if all works out, I'll start to re-invade some open-mic nights and push for a longer slot.
Moving artwork and literature to Storm...
I won't be moving everything from my old gallery on dA. Not all of it is to a good standard and some of my better works are already submitted here. I'll stream stuff steadily into this site and then start to look for like-minded Storm Troopers.
New projects
As soon as I've finished doing some of Oy19's (from dA) TF work for him as a favour, I'll be starting a novel length project. That's Prologue - 30 chapters - epilogue, approximately 2,500 words per regular chapter. It will be submitted to my ban-evasion account on dA, so anyone whom prefers to watch there should note me and maybe I'll let slip of where to go.
TF (transformation) based literature will be on a complete no-go when I start the project. I think I've proven myself in that field and earned the right to continue writing SF, Fantasy and Horrors. So no apologies from me there.
All in all
I'm here to stay and I'm going to bloody well enjoy it too.
Thanks for reading,
Jonas.
At Sep 30, 2007, 10:46:01 PM
Mood: excited
Listening To: Muse - Hullabaloo soundtrack (disc 1)
Listening To: Muse - Hullabaloo soundtrack (disc 1)
Okay, I got banned from dA...
My own fault really. Someone finally managed to get to me after months of trying. I finally snapped and got my nose cut off to spite my face. Their help-desk team won't respond to any of my queries anymore, so f*** 'em. Their loss, in my opinion. I'll invest time and money elsewhere instead...here looks nicer.
Stand-up
I'm still rehearsing after my only performance so far. Practice makes perfect. I'm still writing under my actual name on deviantART (which I won't name and will continue to talk about like a third party, due to not wanting to get banned and start another ban-evasion account), but original material is a little hard to come by, so I'm also rewriting old filler-jokes with my own spin on them. Hopefully, if all works out, I'll start to re-invade some open-mic nights and push for a longer slot.
Moving artwork and literature to Storm...
I won't be moving everything from my old gallery on dA. Not all of it is to a good standard and some of my better works are already submitted here. I'll stream stuff steadily into this site and then start to look for like-minded Storm Troopers.
New projects
As soon as I've finished doing some of Oy19's (from dA) TF work for him as a favour, I'll be starting a novel length project. That's Prologue - 30 chapters - epilogue, approximately 2,500 words per regular chapter. It will be submitted to my ban-evasion account on dA, so anyone whom prefers to watch there should note me and maybe I'll let slip of where to go.
TF (transformation) based literature will be on a complete no-go when I start the project. I think I've proven myself in that field and earned the right to continue writing SF, Fantasy and Horrors. So no apologies from me there.
All in all
I'm here to stay and I'm going to bloody well enjoy it too.
Thanks for reading,
Jonas.